Monday, June 6, 2011

What Was God Thinking?!

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.  Isaiah 55:8

I want to know what God was thinking when He gave me a special needs child.  I really do.  I want to know why He put this child here for us to nurture and help grow.  We went to my older son's field day this past week and I watched Sam as he tried to play with a little girl from his Wee School.  She knew him.  She approached him first.  She was kind and even tried to help him stand up once. Cute as it was, it absolutely broke this Mommy's heart.  He couldn't run with her.  He couldn't stoop on the ground quite like she could.

Why couldn't I have had three 'normal' boys?  Why was I the one who had to have the special child?  Selfish thoughts, I know, but they are honest thoughts no one wants to say out loud.  Please don't misunderstand.  I love my son more than anything (except Jesus), but I really, really want him to have a normal life.  I don't want him to face adversity.  I don't want him to be made fun of or have his feelings crushed.  I want him to be able to run and play without getting hurt.  I want him to be able to go to 'normal' school and just be a boy.

As I write this, I begin to see that this is how God felt about His Son.  He didn't want Him to grow up and be crucified, but He knew that is what it would take to redeem this fallen world.  He gave His Son life, just to have it taken away from Him again.  But what happened after was worth every bit of suffering and pain He'd endure at the hands of mere men.  I will hold onto this thought for my Sam.  Even though he may have adversity here on this earth, his eternity will be so much sweeter.  There he will be whole.  His life here will have meaning in the way we raise Him to love Jesus and to depend on His strength.

Maybe now I know at least part of the reason God gave us one of the special children.  So we could learn to lean on Him and to draw our strength from Him.  He entrusted us with a treasure, even if we choose not to see it sometimes.  We will be blessed as we rear this child into the man He has designed him to be.  I thank Him for the gift He has given to me, the gift He chose jsut for me.


Eileen said...

Allison, this is a beautiful post. Our mommy hearts ache when we watch our kids have to endure cruelness from the world..whether they are special needs or not. But, I think, special needs would make this even harder! This post gives me a glimpse on why God chose you to be Sam's Mommy!

Jenifer said...

Allison, I agree with Eileen. This post gives us a glimpse of why God choose you. Yes it breaks our hearts when our children our hurt, left out or hurting. But God always knows what He is doing. He always has a plan. A plan to prosper us, not harm us. Great post by a great mommy!

Heather said...

What a wonderful post, this made me cry when I read it!! I just wanted to share something with you- a few months ago during our bedtime prayer time, I asked Ethan if there was anything special he wanted to pray for. Now normally he would pray for something like a new train for his train table or a Toy Story toy, material things, but that night he (out of the blue) told me he wanted to pray for Sam, that "God would make his legs feel better so he could run and play with him in the gym and not have to use his walker ever again"...this absolutely shocked me and made me cry because never before had he prayed for anyone else's needs and to hear that coming from a child on his was really encouraging!! I wanted to share that with you at the time but I didn't want to offend you in any way. But I just wanted you to know that Sam does have friends and people who care and are praying for him!! I know Ethan has talked about him many times and says he is his "Wee School best friend"! Since then he and I have both been praying for yall.

I also want to tell you that those feelings you're having are completely normal and you are not alone. I lost our second child at 5 months pregnant (a little boy) and he had several deformities, I had the flu very early on and they thought the high fevers plus meds is what caused the deformities. But he had a cleft palate, some of his fingers were webbed together and two of his toes never formed on his left I often heard at the time from some not-so-sensitive friends and even family members, that he wouldn't have been "normal" anyway, so it was for the best. I can't tell you how often I have been on the other side of the argument and wrestled with God about losing him. I have yelled, screamed and demanded to know WHY did he take him, did God not think I was capable of handling a "special needs" child? There's surgery, there's therapy, I reasoned...I just didn't get why He had to take him. It's been almost four years ago and I've come a long way but it's still hard...but I think you are right that God chooses each child for each family and I think you are doing a wonderful job balancing all 3 kids plus everything else! And sometimes I look at how hectic my life is now and think, well, maybe I couldn't have done it, even though I would give anything to have him here... But stay strong and remember God gave you Sam because he knew he would need a mother like you!! :)

Heidi said...

Love this post Allison, I agree with the girls, special needs or not we have the same concerns and desires for our children. Part of the reason I homeschool is because children can be so mean... I remember what I went through! God knew exactly what He was doing when He gave Sam to you and you're right He knew you'd have to keep coming back to Him for strength to persevere. I just watched the movie Letters to God this weekend and it was so wonderful... that little boy with cancer knew that he was special, but not in the way the world views "special"... he was special to God... a warrior for God is what he called it. That's all you need to know about Sam and all he needs to know about himself, that he was made perfect and special by God! What's normal anyway? Something that the world defines. God asks us to stand out and be different... I'd say Sam has a head start on the rest of us :)

connecting with the soul said...

Heather, I am so sorry you lost that precious lil life. And its true we dont always know the answers to why God does something we just need to trust Him.

Allison, when I read this the first thought that came to mind was how very special God knew you to be after all he created you- So my thought about why God Chose you to be his mommy was because in a world of parents who often don't take time to watch their kids grow up or are there for their children,( and miss the best part of parenting) you would be, and Sam needed you to be his mommy and love him ( as you do) so very much.

Phather Phil Malmstrom said...

Allison, this was a wonderfully transparent and beautiful post, and as the others have said before me, it's obvious why Sam was given to your care.

I know with our "special" little one's situation, we spend a lot of time with many other families of children with cancer, and from my experience personally and in working with those other parents, your feelings are perfectly normal.

This post brought to the front of my mind a conversation I had over lunch with a local Pastor a couple weeks ago. We were discussing our "stories" that brought us to Christ, and after I had told her at length about Jonathan, and the irrecoverable life change it had led me to, she looked me in the eyes and said "God has a plan for him." Such a simple statement, but one that I think we miss sometimes... especially when we see our little ones struggle.

Thank you for sharing this, and Have a Blessed Day!

Lisa said...

I agree with the others, it's obvious why God chose you. God has a plan for you and for Sam. Love this beautiful post!